Iraqi Journalist Throws Shoes at Bush

0 People LOL

In this image from APTN video, a man throws a shoe at President George W. Bush during a news conference with Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Sunday, Dec. 14, 2008, in Baghdad. The man threw two shoes at Bush, one after another. Bush ducked both throws, and neither man was hit. President George W. Bush on Sunday hailed progress in the war that defines his presidency and got a size-10 reminder of his unpopularity when a man hurled two shoes at him during a news conference.

"This is a farewell kiss, you dog!"

Shouted the protester in Arabic, later identified as Muntadar al-Zeidi, a correspondent for Al-Baghdadia television, an Iraqi-owned station based in Cairo, Egypt.

Source: Yahoo News

Jom Vote for Nicol Ann David Now!

1 People LOL

Lets vote for Nicol now!

Link From NASA Website

0 People LOL

How to get link from NASA's website?

No joke, NASA as National Aeronautic And Space Administration, not any other funny acronym like Not Another Silly Acronym (NASA).


Seriously, link from NASA. No kidding...

SEO expert will tell you how juicy link from any .gov website. Especially highly rated site as NASA. No way NASA create link to my blog.

So, let me tell you how to do it.

1. Copy this url

2. Replace those red colored address with your own url.

3. Paste at address bar at your browser.

4. You will see page like this:

Just click to continue.

Walllah....! You got yourself visitor directly from NASA page.

Click here to try: Link from NASA.

Promote that long address to your friends and impress them.

I pretty sure search engine will not appreciate 'cheat link' like this. But who cares, fact that we got linkback from NASA page will always make us smile, right?

Hope to make some friends in tonight Madagascar 2 premiere screening.

I Like To Move It, Move It with Madagascar 2!

0 People LOL

No doubt one of the funniest cartoon movie ever made. I personally rate it on par with Shrek sequel.

Which one of Madagascar character is your favorite?






Go and explore their website a lot of stuff you can watch, play and download. And for blogger, they even prepare all kind of widget for us to make play around.

Check this out:

Cool, right?

Madagascar 2 movie trailer....

Angry Mummy Bear

0 People LOL

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't
made the !@#$% porridge yet!!"

Alternative Meaning

0 People LOL

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries.

· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

· Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

· Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

· Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

Do Not Put Woman Behind Stearing Wheel

0 People LOL

Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Shrink in Cold Water

0 People LOL

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size
of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply.

"This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?

0 People LOL

Consider Michael Jordan, having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 very second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $10,500 at 845am on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all
of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Cruel Golf Joke

0 People LOL

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.

Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her stone dead.

Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Sample or References?

0 People LOL

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.

"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants... a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. What kind of a woman does he think I am?"

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... just a sample."

She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."

When I.T Guy Try to be Funny

2 People LOL

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's
art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Gay Firefighter

1 People LOL

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

Gold Earrings

0 People LOL

A woman goes to the doctors, and says,

"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks,

"Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."

"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold."

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

0 People LOL

for obvious reason of cause...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Games When We Are Older

0 People LOL

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners

Generic Name for Viagra

0 People LOL

As everyone know, in pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen;

Advil is Ibuprofen;

Rogaine is Monoxidil; and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on:


Naughty Doctor

0 People LOL

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive "Yes, uh huh, Yes" type noises, the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

International List

0 People LOL

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Thais men and 1 Thai woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Welsh men and 1 Welsh woman
2 Singaporean men and 1 Singaporean woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together as a threesome and having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule when they alternate with the German woman who has twisted some palm fronds into strands for making ropes and whips.

The two Thais men do nothing since they have nothing to pay to the Thai woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning, cooking and ironing for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless shark infested ocean and then a look at the Polish woman...and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and have each set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is an alternative because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey.

The two Australian men got drunk and beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who in turn, is checking out all the other men, sure that she can do better than 'Bloody Australian Wankers!'

Both Welsh men have disregarded the Welsh woman and are searching the island for sheep.

Both Singaporean men waiting for their government instruction and auguring should they screw the Singaporean woman without a condom.

How to Screw Someone Wife

1 People LOL

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating
around, is very glad to see the second man there.

"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and
wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their
brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

I Hate Celine Dion

0 People LOL

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked,

"Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied,

"Yes sir, I do. I love Celine Dion. Could you please play her latest CD for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He then turned to the other man and asked,

"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Toiletless Bar

0 People LOL

A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless man, "you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner, no men's room in this bar... sorry"

Blonde Joke: Car Sex

0 People LOL

A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to quite romantic mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.

As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

She said, "no."

He unbuttoned her blouse and began fondling her breasts and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

Again she said, "no".

As more and more of her clothing came off he became really hot and excited. Once again he asked her "Would you like to get in the back seat?"

And again she said, "no".

Frustrated he asked "Why not?"

To which she replied "I want to stay in the front seat with you."

Sex Joke

0 People LOL

A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about him," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of
the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they
have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. The husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,

"Listen, I don't care if you screw my wife, but could you please quit using my ass for a scoreboard?"


0 People LOL

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says,

"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,

"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Men are like...

1 People LOL

Men are like..... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like..... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like..... Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like..... Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like..... High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like..... Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Guys.... is it true?

Court Joke

0 People LOL

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Billy Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Tommy Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll
be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Birdie Joke

0 People LOL

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked,

"What do you have under the newspaper?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied:

"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to the man who was sunbathing here?" After a pause, the girl replied,

"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Stupid Blonde

0 People LOL

There was a competition to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Three women entered the race, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 6 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she

"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms...I dont think their big enough for the swim..."

Lawyer Joke

0 People LOL

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

Clever Smuggler

0 People LOL

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The border guard asks,

"What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand into the
bags, places them on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated....

"What have you there?"


"We want to examine it."

Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for a year the inspections continue.

Eventually, the border guard retires and one day he happens to see the guy downtown. He says to the fellow,

"Buddy, you drove me crazy. I know you were smuggling something. For 30 years I was a border guard and I thought I'd seen everything, but I was never been able to figure out what you were up to. I won't say anything, but what were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, ----> "Bicycles."


Funny Sports Commentator's Quotes

0 People LOL

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

Clever Businessman

0 People LOL

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in
the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield
enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to
Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward
type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I
explained to him that I was conducting some very important
business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a
quick "Hello, Dean" at me while I was with my client.

He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a
tap on my shoulder.

It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

He said "Hi Dean, what's happening?"

To which I replied "Piss off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Proctologist Joke

0 People LOL

A proctologist walked into a bank and prepared to endorse a
check. He pulled a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tried
to "write" with it.

Realizing his mistake he looked at the thermometer with annoyance
and exclaimed

"How do you like that? Some asshole's got my pen!"

Ouch...! Hahahahhahhaa......

Dentist Joke

0 People LOL

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket
and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal
and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank
the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my
aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

Not Another Blonde Joke

0 People LOL

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• she thought a quarterback was a refund.
• she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
• she thought General Motors was in the army.
• she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she tripped over a cordless phone.
• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate."
• she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
• at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
• she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she studied for a blood test.
• she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
• she sold the car for gas money!
• when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
• when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
• she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the
• she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought
stood for "Tits Go In Front."
• she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease

Hahahhaa... I never bored by blonde jokes...

Drunken & A Priest Story

0 People LOL

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoondown by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to thePreacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says,

"Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls himright back up.

"Have you found Jesus?", The preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, bringshim up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in aharsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Another Fire Fighter Joke

0 People LOL

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitementof a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have beenexciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire atthe university several years back. There were flames, fire trucksfrom several area fire departments, but the most exciting partwere the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into hisarms.The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started,

"One night I got acall to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there wasno way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found anold broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could tomake it go down."

He paused. The retired fireman asked,

"So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered,

"Well, you see, I was in the wrongroom."

Language Joke

3 People LOL

Language always become funny humor tools.... enjoy.

An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yenand walked out with $72.

The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but onlyreceived $66.

He asked the teller why he received less money thanthe previous week.

The teller said,


The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,turned around and said,

"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Buy My Stupid Ebook

0 People LOL

Buy My Stupid EBook!!!

Make So Much Money Online Your Friends Will Leave You! Those Suckers!

This is me.
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Letter from a computer Widow

0 People LOL

I received this email from my friend. Really funny. Maybe husband out there can answer this letter.


My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications
thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on
at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were
good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be
very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like
you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on
her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that
it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made
sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.
I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are
away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and
the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while
your disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife

Post Office Joke

0 People LOL

A classic post office joke. Really funny.

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her
regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as

c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little
old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was
desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send
her the money.

Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection
from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to
the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the
young lady opened it and it read

"Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only
received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post

Stupid Girl

0 People LOL

A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms
from a new box of twelve.

The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only
six condoms remaining in the box.

"What happened to the other four condoms?" she asked.

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the
story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my

18 and 54....

0 People LOL

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that read:

"Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
at the front desk that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Really Funny Jokes: English Language Lesson

0 People LOL

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I never fluently speaking English although as Malaysian we study that language from day one of our school day.

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

Really Funny Jokes: Stupid Man

0 People LOL

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door
to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would
look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door
when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I
kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back
up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for
me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his
heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,
then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in
the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts
howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my
turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

Really Funny Jokes: Busted

0 People LOL

A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed
when the following conversation takes place...

She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"

He: "That's a morbid question!"

She: "No, I really want to know."

He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of
time I might remarry."

She: "Would she live in our house?"

He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really
expect me to move?"

She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"

He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want
me to sell it for a loss?"

She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"

He: "No. Absolutely not. She have no driving license."

We Never Out of Blonde Joke

3 People LOL

There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went
home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb
Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to
know that this blonde went home last night and did something
probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state

One of the guys said "I don't believe you."

She said, "It's true. Just test me!"

"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?

"A" she answered.

Cruel Wife-Husband Joke II

0 People LOL

A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for
oral sex.

"No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me."

So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a
few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral
sex. Again she replies,

"No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride

"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and
respect you. Can I please have oral sex?".

"No", she says "I just know that if I do that, you won't respect

So the man waits. And waits... And waits.... After 20 years of
marriage the man says,

"Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised
three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you
completely. How about oral sex, just once???? Please??????"

So the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and performs
oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing
and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says,

"Answer that you cocksucker...!"

Unexpected Treat Joke

0 People LOL

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a
stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the
mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily
dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the
carburetor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for
just such an occasion

"Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."

"Can't," replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally
hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank you note
from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young
daughter had received from the RCMP.

Cruel Wife-Husband Joke

0 People LOL

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their
separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. He
called over to his wife,

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The
husband with a concerned look on his face says,

"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?
Come here and let me kiss it better"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have
passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is
returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the
carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor
and says, "Clumsy bitch."

Mind Your Own Business Joke

0 People LOL

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Is this a Joke?

0 People LOL

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
standing there holding a long list.

"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."


0 People LOL

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if
I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me,
saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway," she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

... So I told her to fuck off and hung up.

Joke: Yes... He Hurt

0 People LOL

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves
up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Nigel

"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!"

So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went,
faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him
hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed
into a brick wall.

Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and
cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"

A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say
I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"

Woman... Tricky as Ever

0 People LOL

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to

"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
$200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after
the police smell your fingers."

Contagious Joke

0 People LOL

One day the teacher asked her students to use the word
"contagious" in a phrase.

Sarah lifts up her hand and says, "Teacher, teacher I got one!! A
cold is contagious!"

The teacher is very happy. Tom lifts up his hand and says, "
Teacher... yawning is contagious"...pretty good Tom!!

Finally, little Johnny lifts up his hand and says,

" Oh...Oh...I got one...The other day, as my mother was mowing
the lawn, my father looked out the window and said it will take
that contagious to finish!!"

Cowboy Joke

0 People LOL

The cowboy got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and
proceeded to get thoroughly shit-faced.

A couple of his pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck
out, turned his horse around, then went back in to join the
hapless cowboy for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water
in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowboy's
wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming,

"Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this
hung over a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son
of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the
way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

Joke: Sex Joke

0 People LOL

A guy met a girl at the state fair, and she invited him back to
her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy noticed that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed
animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were
on the bookshelf and on the windowsill, and a lot of smaller
stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked

"So... how was I?"

"Well," she said,

"You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

Joke: What Mummy Like?

0 People LOL

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket
crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant.
"Now, what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

Joke: Confusing Doctor

0 People LOL

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says,

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the
weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the
sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking
guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between
my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her.

He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

"Actually no,"

She replied,

"Just between my 2 big toes!"