Angry Mummy Bear

0 People LOL

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't
made the !@#$% porridge yet!!"

Alternative Meaning

0 People LOL

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries.

· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

· Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

· Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

· Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

Do Not Put Woman Behind Stearing Wheel

0 People LOL

Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Shrink in Cold Water

0 People LOL

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size
of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply.

"This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"