Fun Stuff, Joke, Adult Joke, Funny Quote, Funny One Liner, Humor, Humor Story, Humor Quote

Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to quite romantic mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.

As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

She said, "no."

He unbuttoned her blouse and began fondling her breasts and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

Again she said, "no".

As more and more of her clothing came off he became really hot and excited. Once again he asked her "Would you like to get in the back seat?"

And again she said, "no".

Frustrated he asked "Why not?"

To which she replied "I want to stay in the front seat with you."

A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about him," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of
the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they
have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. The husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,

"Listen, I don't care if you screw my wife, but could you please quit using my ass for a scoreboard?"

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• she thought a quarterback was a refund.
• she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
• she thought General Motors was in the army.
• she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she tripped over a cordless phone.
• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate."
• she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."
• at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
• she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she studied for a blood test.
• she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
• she sold the car for gas money!
• when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
• when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
• she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the
evening.
• she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought
stood for "Tits Go In Front."
• she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease


Hahahhaa... I never bored by blonde jokes...

I received this email from my friend. Really funny. Maybe husband out there can answer this letter.

_______________________________________________________________

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications
thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on
at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were
good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be
very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like
you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on
her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that
it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made
sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.
I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are
away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and
the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while
your disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife
_______________________________________________________________

A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed
when the following conversation takes place...

She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"

He: "That's a morbid question!"

She: "No, I really want to know."

He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of
time I might remarry."

She: "Would she live in our house?"

He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really
expect me to move?"

She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"

He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want
me to sell it for a loss?"

She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"

He: "No. Absolutely not. She have no driving license."

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to
watch."

"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
$200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after
the police smell your fingers."

A guy met a girl at the state fair, and she invited him back to
her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy noticed that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed
animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were
on the bookshelf and on the windowsill, and a lot of smaller
stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked
confidently,

"So... how was I?"

"Well," she said,

"You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says,

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the
weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the
sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking
guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between
my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her.

He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

"Actually no,"

She replied,

"Just between my 2 big toes!"

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she
found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy
her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all
these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from
the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled
the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,
until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment
line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took
him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone
but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair
of shoes that fit you."

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty
bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!"

Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers,

"Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was litte me made a sound under my pants"

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterward cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said:

-
-
-
-
-
-
-

"Clean my house"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped, his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down
to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said earnestly.

"Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a minute", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage
him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day.

The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself.

They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for
the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs.

After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says

"I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES

Sally runs crying into the office....

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend," gushes Sally, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!"

"My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Sally, "but it was the one right next to it!"

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William finished proposing to her.

"I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they went to her place. The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa.

She stopped him and said,

"Before we get married or even make love, I want you to buy me something."

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned, William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."

William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife. Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.

With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.

"What's this? Why did you ask me for a gold knife when you already have so many of them?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said

"Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then? But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these knives?"