Fun Stuff, Joke, Adult Joke, Funny Quote, Funny One Liner, Humor, Humor Story, Humor Quote

Dear Sir,

I am writing to ask your help in locating my missing wife. We were on a wonderful trip to Africa for our honeymoon several months ago. On our flight back, we had a connection in England and somehow became separated. I had her paged for several hours and then contacted local and international police to assist me in locating her.

To date, all of our attempts to find her have been unsuccessful. I am now desperate to find my lost love and am trying to use the Internet to locate her. Please forward this to everyone you know so I can spread the word on locating my missing wife.

Mr. Richard Small
Portland,
Oregon,
USA



After a few weeks search ....



Dear Mr. Small,

We have found your wife in Africa of all places. However, it is unknown how she got here, nor is she able to talk because of lockjaw, but we are under the impression that she does not want to leave. We have tried for several days to bring her back home, but she is insistent on staying here.

I have enclosed a picture for you to see that she is okay. Do not worry, because she is in good hands here in this village. Please contact us if there is anything else you might want to know.

Nairobi Police Department

Click here to see attached photo.

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating
around, is very glad to see the second man there.

"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and
wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their
brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about him," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of
the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they
have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. The husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,

"Listen, I don't care if you screw my wife, but could you please quit using my ass for a scoreboard?"

I received this email from my friend. Really funny. Maybe husband out there can answer this letter.

_______________________________________________________________

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications
thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on
at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were
good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be
very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like
you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on
her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that
it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made
sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.
I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are
away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and
the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while
your disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife
_______________________________________________________________

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that read:

"Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
at the front desk that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed
when the following conversation takes place...

She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"

He: "That's a morbid question!"

She: "No, I really want to know."

He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of
time I might remarry."

She: "Would she live in our house?"

He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really
expect me to move?"

She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"

He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want
me to sell it for a loss?"

She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"

He: "No. Absolutely not. She have no driving license."

A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for
oral sex.

"No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me."

So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a
few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral
sex. Again she replies,

"No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride

"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and
respect you. Can I please have oral sex?".

"No", she says "I just know that if I do that, you won't respect
me."

So the man waits. And waits... And waits.... After 20 years of
marriage the man says,

"Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised
three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you
completely. How about oral sex, just once???? Please??????"

So the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and performs
oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing
and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says,

"Answer that you cocksucker...!"

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their
separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. He
called over to his wife,

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The
husband with a concerned look on his face says,

"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?
Come here and let me kiss it better"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have
passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is
returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the
carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor
and says, "Clumsy bitch."

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA!"

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor
and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée
thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can
try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your
husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and
tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall
for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic
band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her
man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the
elastic band, and the hubby screams...

"What the heck was that!!?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One
day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:

"What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,

"I found your washcloth!"

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,

"Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face
with it."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says,

"I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says,

"I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says,

"I think my wife is having sex with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!
"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water.

After a while the boy came up to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said,

"Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's."

The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,

"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at
ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,

"pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my perch."

A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.

The husband says, "We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you."

"Yes, dear, anything you want," replies the wife.

"Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that."

Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.

"I have been unfaithful three times," she says. "Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time."

"I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?" he asks.

"The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?" she said.

"Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time."

"Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 147
votes short....!!"

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says,

"Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a
the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a
United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells,

"Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's-a bangin' your wife while
you're in night school."

At the nursery, the sales clerk said,

"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We
don't carry them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted
geranium?"

"No," replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my
wife told me to water while she was gone."