Assign a Gender to Nouns Joke

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From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions: 

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the
wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha! thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Almost Married Joke

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These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I   was   almost    married."

The first guy says in amazement,

"Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes,  "Yes,   I    went    to    a    doctor    and he    told    me    that    if    I    speak   slowly    I will    not    stutter."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"Well,    my    fiancee    and    I    were     sitting    on her    porch    and    the    dog    was    scratching    his back   and    I    told    her    that    when    we    are married,    she    can    do    that    for   me.    And    then she    threw    the   ring    in    my    face."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"Well,    I    speak    so    slowly,    that    by    the time    she    looked    at    the    dog,    he    was licking    his    balls!"

Smart Old Couple

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, 

"What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said,

"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This  happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, 

"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.  We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from Medicare."