Fun Stuff, Joke, Adult Joke, Funny Quote, Funny One Liner, Humor, Humor Story, Humor Quote

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size
of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply.

"This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.

Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her stone dead.

Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Men are like..... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like..... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like..... Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like..... Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like..... High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like..... Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Guys.... is it true?

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitementof a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have beenexciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire atthe university several years back. There were flames, fire trucksfrom several area fire departments, but the most exciting partwere the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into hisarms.The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started,

"One night I got acall to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there wasno way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found anold broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could tomake it go down."

He paused. The retired fireman asked,

"So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered,

"Well, you see, I was in the wrongroom."

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door
to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would
look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for
breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door
when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I
kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back
up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for
me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his
heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,
then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in
the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts
howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my
turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

The desk clerk waves him over. "Hey buddy" he says, "shouldn't you be upstairs making love to your new bride?"

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea the doc says no sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and says. "Since you can't have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal sex."

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got diarrhea the doc says no anal sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the clerk waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. "Since you can't have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into performing oral sex for you" he says.

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got pyorrhea her dentist says no oral sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, "Let me get this straight, your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell would you marry a girl like that?""

"Well" says the Okie, "she's got worms too, and I love to fish!"

About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

The desk clerk waves him over. "Hey buddy" he says, "shouldn't you be upstairs making love to your new bride?"

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea the doc says no sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and says. "Since you can't have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal sex."

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got diarrhea the doc says no anal sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the clerk waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. "Since you can't have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into performing oral sex for you" he says.

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got pyorrhea her dentist says no oral sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, "Let me get this straight, your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell would you marry a girl like that?""

"Well" says the Okie, "she's got worms too, and I love to fish!"

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty
bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks,

"Sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he informs her.

The receptionist indignantly responds, "Sir, You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says.

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and reenters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,

"Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly.

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"It burns when I piss out of it" the man replied.

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy
known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

Harry goes up to a prostitute and asks,

"How much for a blow job?"

She says, "A hundred bucks."

He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred.

They go back to his hotel room and as soon as they are inside, Harry starts masturbating furiously. "What are you doing that for?" asks the prostitute.

"For a hundred bucks," he says, "do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,

"I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44 tall."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and . . .16-and-a-half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-half . . .wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

"How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . .Size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34...It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man switched over to the Playboy Channel.

They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked,

"Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his
overly cautious, slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him.

"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll
remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to use this to cover it up," he told her as he tossed the shoe.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him." she coos, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."