Cruel Joke

1 People LOL

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head
in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Let Have Some Sex

0 People LOL

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.


Think Positive

0 People LOL

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball
and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he
tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and
said again,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into
the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed.

"Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine
his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them
together. He straightened his cap and said once more,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball
up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in
the world!"

Virginity Joke

0 People LOL

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor
and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée
thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can
try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your
husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and
tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall
for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic
band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the
elastic band, and the hubby screams...

"What the heck was that!!?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

Washcloth Joke

0 People LOL

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One
day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:

"What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,

"I found your washcloth!"

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,

"Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face
with it."

Funny Woman

0 People LOL

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she
found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy
her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all
these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from
the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled
the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,
until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment
line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took
him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone
but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair
of shoes that fit you."

Doctor Joke

0 People LOL

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to
reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be
the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian."

Survivor Joke

0 People LOL

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Mark
Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will
be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each
of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or
dance class), and no access to fast food.

They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving
at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project,
cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, etc. Oh, and
they also have access to television only when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remotes. Plus
they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must
apply themselves either while driving or while making six

The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA
meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a
sick child at 3:00 a.m; making an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4 year old
to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off. The winner gets to go back to his job.

I love to Fish

0 People LOL

About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

The desk clerk waves him over. "Hey buddy" he says, "shouldn't you be upstairs making love to your new bride?"

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea the doc says no sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and says. "Since you can't have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal sex."

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got diarrhea the doc says no anal sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the clerk waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. "Since you can't have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into performing oral sex for you" he says.

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got pyorrhea her dentist says no oral sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, "Let me get this straight, your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell would you marry a girl like that?""

"Well" says the Okie, "she's got worms too, and I love to fish!"

I love to Fish

0 People LOL

About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

The desk clerk waves him over. "Hey buddy" he says, "shouldn't you be upstairs making love to your new bride?"

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea the doc says no sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and says. "Since you can't have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal sex."

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got diarrhea the doc says no anal sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the clerk waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. "Since you can't have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into performing oral sex for you" he says.

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got pyorrhea her dentist says no oral sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, "Let me get this straight, your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell would you marry a girl like that?""

"Well" says the Okie, "she's got worms too, and I love to fish!"

2nd Pope Joke

0 People LOL

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says

"I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

Lab Rabbit Joke

0 People LOL

One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Joke: Get it?

0 People LOL

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty
bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

0 People LOL

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Pope and Queen Joke

0 People LOL

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at the thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

The Pope thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "That's pretty impressive, but I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, you can't do that."

So the Pope headbutts her.

English Joke

0 People LOL

A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.

"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".

The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.

So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"

The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"

So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."

With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

Magic Joke

0 People LOL

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him.

Ten years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes...


Joke: Canadian Winter

0 People LOL

An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his blonde mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

Old Sex Joke

0 People LOL

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

Joke: Black Widow

0 People LOL

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Army Joke

0 People LOL

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted:

Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room

"Good Night, Sergeant"

Priest Joke

0 People LOL

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, tells them to undress, and ties a small bell to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance
sensually around the first candidate.

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness". The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. . . Nothing.

She writhes up and down against his body. . . No response.

Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

Joke: Best Body Part

0 People LOL

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!"

Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers,

"Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was litte me made a sound under my pants"

2nd 100 Bucks Joke

0 People LOL

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterward cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said:


"Clean my house"

Joke: Bad Conductor

0 People LOL

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According
to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser,
breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes
him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution.

At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret --

"What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend.

"I'm just a bad conductor."

Get it?

Penis Joke

0 People LOL

A man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks,

"Sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he informs her.

The receptionist indignantly responds, "Sir, You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says.

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and reenters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,


"There's something wrong with my ear," he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly.

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"It burns when I piss out of it" the man replied.

Good Theraphy Joke

0 People LOL

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy
known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

Funny 100 Bucks Jobs

0 People LOL

Harry goes up to a prostitute and asks,

"How much for a blow job?"

She says, "A hundred bucks."

He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred.

They go back to his hotel room and as soon as they are inside, Harry starts masturbating furiously. "What are you doing that for?" asks the prostitute.

"For a hundred bucks," he says, "do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"

Listen Carefully

0 People LOL

There was this fellow who got tired of living in the city and decided that he wanted to live in Alaska as an Eskimo, so he ventured out into the great unknown.

After a week he found a tribe and approached the chief proclaiming that he wanted to be an Eskimo. The chief thinking that the guy had lost all sense of reality, told the man,

"Okay - first you must drink 10 gallons of homemade rot gut whiskey all at a time with no food or breaks. Then you must go out barehanded and kill a polar bear. Completing that, you must return here, and find the oldest, ugliest, dirtiest female in the tribe and make passionate love to her all night long."

The man agreed and drank all the whiskey, then set off into the frozen wasteland. The chief figures he's gone for good.

Two days later the man returns. He's a disfigured mess with his clothes practically gone, and great, gaping wounds. There is not a spot on his body that is not mauled nearly to the bone.

He staggers to the chief and says, "Now where's that woman you wanted me to kill?"

Funny Stupid Husband

0 People LOL

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says,

"I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says,

"I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says,

"I think my wife is having sex with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Funny Squirrel Mind

0 People LOL

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man.

The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel.

It says, "Not as easy as it looks is it."

Golf Joke

0 People LOL

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped, his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down
to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said earnestly.

"Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a minute", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage
him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Embarrassing Moments Joke

0 People LOL

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son
to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom. And wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked so adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a
few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

New Bride Joke

0 People LOL

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

Wine Expert

0 People LOL

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impressher with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bringa bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?"

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.

"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

Joke: Deer Hunting

0 People LOL

This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck game warden who asks to see his hunting license. The
hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave, when the game warden says,

"Not so fast, boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The game warden reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The game warden gets angry and says,

"Wait a minute boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer. This here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you boy?"

Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet and pulls out a Virginia Hunting License. The game warden looks at the
valid license and says disappointedly,

"Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here."

The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same game warden who says,

"Just a minute boy. I need to inspect the deer." He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says,

"Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"

The hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the game warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one each from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the game warden stops to do the finger test,
and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license. Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious.

"Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the South! Where the Hell you from anyway?"

The hunter drops his pants, bends over, and says, "You tell me!"