Fun Stuff, Joke, Adult Joke, Funny Quote, Funny One Liner, Humor, Humor Story, Humor Quote

Men are like..... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like..... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like..... Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like..... Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like..... High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like..... Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Guys.... is it true?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Billy Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Tommy Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll
be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked,

"What do you have under the newspaper?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied:

"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to the man who was sunbathing here?" After a pause, the girl replied,

"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

There was a competition to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Three women entered the race, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 6 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she
replied,

"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms...I dont think their big enough for the swim..."

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The border guard asks,

"What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand into the
bags, places them on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated....

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine it."

Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for a year the inspections continue.

Eventually, the border guard retires and one day he happens to see the guy downtown. He says to the fellow,

"Buddy, you drove me crazy. I know you were smuggling something. For 30 years I was a border guard and I thought I'd seen everything, but I was never been able to figure out what you were up to. I won't say anything, but what were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, ----> "Bicycles."

Hahahahaha....

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in
the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield
enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to
Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward
type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I
explained to him that I was conducting some very important
business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a
quick "Hello, Dean" at me while I was with my client.

He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a
tap on my shoulder.

It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

He said "Hi Dean, what's happening?"

To which I replied "Piss off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

A proctologist walked into a bank and prepared to endorse a
check. He pulled a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tried
to "write" with it.

Realizing his mistake he looked at the thermometer with annoyance
and exclaimed

"How do you like that? Some asshole's got my pen!"

Ouch...! Hahahahhahhaa......

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket
and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal
and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank
the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my
aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• she thought a quarterback was a refund.
• she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
• she thought General Motors was in the army.
• she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she tripped over a cordless phone.
• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate."
• she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."
• at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
• she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she studied for a blood test.
• she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
• she sold the car for gas money!
• when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
• when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
• she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the
evening.
• she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought
stood for "Tits Go In Front."
• she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease


Hahahhaa... I never bored by blonde jokes...

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoondown by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to thePreacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says,

"Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls himright back up.

"Have you found Jesus?", The preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, bringshim up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in aharsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitementof a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have beenexciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire atthe university several years back. There were flames, fire trucksfrom several area fire departments, but the most exciting partwere the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into hisarms.The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started,

"One night I got acall to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there wasno way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found anold broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could tomake it go down."

He paused. The retired fireman asked,

"So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered,

"Well, you see, I was in the wrongroom."

Language always become funny humor tools.... enjoy.


An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yenand walked out with $72.

The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but onlyreceived $66.

He asked the teller why he received less money thanthe previous week.

The teller said,

"Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,turned around and said,

"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"