Fun Stuff, Joke, Adult Joke, Funny Quote, Funny One Liner, Humor, Humor Story, Humor Quote

· At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.

· At age 12, success is...having friends.

· At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.

· At age 20, success is...having sex.

· At age 35, success is...having money.

· At age 50, success is...having money.

· At age 60, success is...having sex.

· At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.

· At age 75, success is...having friends.

· At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said,

"These are very tasty but I notice that they're much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied,

"Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"

Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering,

"Take me Paddy. Take me now!"

Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice.

Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.

Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready.

Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"

Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day.

The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself.

They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for
the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs.

After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says

"I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water.

After a while the boy came up to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said,

"Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's."

The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,

"I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44 tall."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and . . .16-and-a-half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-half . . .wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

"How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . .Size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34...It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly,

"Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"

His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

The next day the same thing happened,

"Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"

The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying,

"When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."

When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare,

"Go to you room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."

Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of:

"Hark! What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"

While on an official visit to Glasgow, Scotland, the Pope had become increasingly bored with being waited on hand and foot and transported from place to place.

One day, enough was enough for the pope, and he leaned over from the back of the limousine and tapped the chauffeur on the shoulder.

"Excuse me sir," said the Pope. "Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a while and took this baby for a spin?" A little bemused and bewildered, the chauffeur agreed. After all, he was the Pope. The two men exchanged places and the Pope began to have the most fun he'd had in years.

The Pope began to take the limo faster and faster, until a cop car clocked him going 85 in a 40 mile an hour zone. Sirens wailing, the young policeman, also a devout Catholic, gave chase to the speeding limo.

Eventually the cop managed to pull the limo to the side of the road, and he got out of his car ready to do battle with the reckless speeder. The cop approached the window, tapped on the
window and beckoned for the driver to roll the window down. With a startled gasp, the young cop jumped back on his heels and sped back to his patrol car to phone his supervisor.

"You'll never guess who I just pulled over," stammered the cop.

"Who?" was the inquisitive reply.

"This guy is big, very big," said the cop.

"The commissioner?" asked his supervisor.

"Bigger, much bigger"

"The Mayor?"

"Oh no, much, much bigger."

"Sean Connery?!" came the exasperated reply.

"No, no, no." said the cop.

"Then will you just bloody tell me who it is," screamed his boss.

"I don't have a clue," said the cop." But the Pope is his bloody driver!!!!"

Sally runs crying into the office....

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend," gushes Sally, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!"

"My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Sally, "but it was the one right next to it!"

This is *supposedly* a true story. It occurred on a Melbourne Australia radio show. One of the FM stations has a competition where they phone someone up, ask them three personal questions, phone their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the
other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter:: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co- Presenter: That's close enough ...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .....alright .....Up the ass!

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that bricks wall over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T.

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad & the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl & Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,

"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said,

"Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said,

"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said,

"No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said,

"Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

"Here comes Bubba with two assholes".

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. Whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH ......... SENIOR MOMENTS !!!!

A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,

"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at
ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,

"pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my perch."

It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man switched over to the Playboy Channel.

They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked,

"Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says,

"DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him, and says,

"Well I think I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?"

The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says,

"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "NNNNope a ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his
overly cautious, slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him.

"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll
remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to use this to cover it up," he told her as he tossed the shoe.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman,

"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him." she coos, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

A gentleman goes to see the doctor about getting something done about his missing penis, which he lost in the war. The doctor asks the man how many males were in his family and the gentleman replied seven. The doctor said if they all agreed, he could take an inch off of each male and the gentleman would have a eight inch penis.

The gentleman asked the other males in his family if they would agree to having the surgery and everyone said yes. The next day all eight males went into the hospital to have the surgery. After
it was all performed the doctor told the gentleman that he had a brand new eight inch penis, but to be extremely careful with it and to come back and see him in a week.

The next week the gentleman goes back to see the doctor and the doctor asked him how his new penis was working. The gentleman replied, "Great doc, but I only have one question. Who's brilliant idea was it to put grandpa's part in the middle?"

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in
front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke,

"black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up,

"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.

Then, after a while, the Parrot said,

"Straight, Straight, Curly!"

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!"

So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand.

Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."

Arthur stared at him in horror...

"Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William finished proposing to her.

"I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they went to her place. The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa.

She stopped him and said,

"Before we get married or even make love, I want you to buy me something."

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned, William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."

William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife. Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.

With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.

"What's this? Why did you ask me for a gold knife when you already have so many of them?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said

"Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then? But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these knives?"

A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.

The husband says, "We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you."

"Yes, dear, anything you want," replies the wife.

"Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that."

Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.

"I have been unfaithful three times," she says. "Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time."

"I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?" he asks.

"The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?" she said.

"Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time."

"Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 147
votes short....!!"

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says,

"Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.

"Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a
the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a
United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells,

"Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's-a bangin' your wife while
you're in night school."

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party
all alone.

Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what
to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said,

"It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask
him 'What will be the name of our baby?', that will scare them
off." So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her
and, little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked
him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the
same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her
shoulders... she stopped him and asked him 'What will be the name
of our baby?',

He ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes
he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be
called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our
baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!"
she asked again.

After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot
and said,

"...if he gets out of this one...David Copperfield!"

A couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife
complained of a burning sensation in her chest.

She told her husband who suggested that she go to the doctor to
be examined. She arranged an appointment for a physical and went
the following day.

Later that day, the doctor called the husband at work,

"I'm phoning to let you know that your wife has acute angina."

"Yeah I know," said the husband, "she's got a nice pair of tits
too!"

At the nursery, the sales clerk said,

"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We
don't carry them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted
geranium?"

"No," replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my
wife told me to water while she was gone."

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating
and panting.

"What's going on?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing
9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says;

"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's
got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering
on the wardrobe floor.

"You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart
attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed

someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned
to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty
face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased
the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in
larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard.
Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit,
but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and
proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each
day, written larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting
to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found
scrawled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when

an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and
walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no
wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more
country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

Dave goes over to his best friend's house, rings the doorbell,
and the wife answers.

"Hi, Nora, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in." They both have a seat in the kitchen.

"You know, Nora, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd
give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it's
for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Dave one of her
breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the
table.

They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, "Nora, your
tits are so beautiful... I've gotta see the two of them. I'll
give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both."

Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a
hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives
Dave a good, long look. He thanks her and then throws another
hundred bucks on the table.

Another ten minutes passes by... Dave can't wait around any
longer, so he leaves.

A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says "Your weird
friend, Chris, came over this afternoon."

Replies Tony, "Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none
of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought
to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the
physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good
news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the
testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news
was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about
it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and
explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four
conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over
the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four
conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause....

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she
cannot see with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she
is having sex."

"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out
with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked,

"And the fourth condition?"

The Pope replied, "Big tits."

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman
of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of
the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he
should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at
the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay
with the others since several of his important clients were
there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by
himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and
led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the
door.

She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did
this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings
and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said,
"remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension
continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you
wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"