Buy My Stupid EBook!!!

This is me. If you buy my stupid eBook, you will look this rich and suave too. I totally didn't just rip this picture from Google Images.

Hello Friend,

Do you like money? If so, we're soulmates. But there are other people out there who also like money, and if you don't buy my stupid eBook, they're going to have it all and you won't! Wouldn't that suck?

Thank goodness you found my stupid eBook. I'm going to introduce you to an opportunity so lucrative I have to use ass-ugly fonts. This isn't one of those other eBooks by total posers who can't back their offers up. You can tell I'm serious because I use lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!

I'm not going to tell you what's in my stupid eBook until you buy it, because then anybody could see, and my stupid eBook is only for special people like you. You're probably thinking,

"But wait! How do I know it's lucrative if you won't tell me what it is?"

This is what my stupid eBook would look like if any publisher were willing to go within a thousand miles of it. I don't know why a PDF needs a cover, but everybody else is doing it, so it must be right.

I applaud your skepticism, because it means that you're just the sort of bright cookie who can make it with my proven system. That's right, it's proven and it's a system. In case you need checkboxes to be convinced, my stupid eBook is:

• Proven
• A System

Warning!!! My stupid eBook is only for people who want to make lots of money without doing any hard work! You can tell that last sentence is important because it's yellow. If you don't like money, or you enjoy boring hard work, leave immediately!

You might be wondering why I'm trying to sell you my secret instead of using it myself to make money. It's that doubting attitude that has kept you from making millions so far! Besides, as you will see below, I already have too much money! I can prove it!!!

Don't take my word for it. Here's a real screenshot of my Yahoo Publisher Network earnings before I woke up this morning!

How do you know it's real? Because it's impossible to fake a screenshot and if you read it on the Internet, it must be true. That's right, I made infinity dollars in my sleep. Besides, that's just too much money to make up!

If that screenshot weren't real, then how could I buy all this cool stuff, huh, wise guy? Look at all the expensive things I bought just in the last week, which prove how much better my stupid eBook is than all those loser eBooks with pictures of mansions and sports cars:

	My Aircraft CarrierThis is how I roll. Er, float. Buy my stupid eBook and never settle for a sports car again.
	The Planet MarsAnd you were impressed with the guys who own islands? Ha!
	SupermanDon't you hate it when your servants are slow to fetch you a beer? Almost makes you want to get up and walk to the fridge yourself. Follow my system and you too can buy Superman to fetch your beer lickety split. Cold, too.
	AustraliaThe other day I was reflecting on existence when I realized I didn't have enough marsupials in my life, so I bought Australia. Don't you wish you had that kind of buying power? Buy my stupid eBook and you definitely will.

It's So Easy!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know what you're thinking:

"If this is so lucrative, it must be too hard for little old me!"

		"Kyle won't be laughing when I wave my thousand dollars cash in his face!" Eric from Colorado
		"I've been working for years to achieve my goal and always fallen a little short. Not this time. Thanks, stupid eBook!" Wile from Arizona
		"I buy eBooks!" Ralph from Springfield
		"I been makin' millions ever since I found this stupid eBook on the Google and downloadified it from the Internets." George from Washington, D.C.

What do I need?

It couldn't be easier! Here's all you need to rake in millions:

• A computer
• A snorkel
• Toilet paper
• A can of Pringles
• A ferret

If you don't have the ferret yet, don't sweat it. You can just buy one through my affiliate link after you get started. Don't ask what it's for.

Buy Now

Normally my stupid eBook sells for $152,000, but for today only I'm offering it to you for only $499!!! You don't need me to tell you what a steal that is!!! Some poor saps think a penny saved is a penny earned, but you know $151,501 saved is $151,501 earned!!!

This is a limited time offer!!!
This secret is so valuable I'm only selling 50 copies and the first 49 are gone! Really, honest! What are you waiting for???

Oh, yeah. An order form.

There isn't one. But if you got a kick out of this, take a sec to sign up for one of the affiliate offers in my tip jar. I get like $20 and you get free/cool stuff.

Tip Jar

• Fart Ringtones
• Make Money from your Blog
• Free Game Rental
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• Free $20-$25 gift cards: Staples, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Bed, Bath, & Beyond, K-Mart, Circuit City

Or sign up for TLA. It's an easy way to make a little extra cash (about 20% more for me) on top of AdSense.

I received this email from my friend. Really funny. Maybe husband out there can answer this letter.

_______________________________________________________________

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications
thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on
at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were
good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be
very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like
you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on
her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that
it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made
sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.
I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are
away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and
the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while
your disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife
_______________________________________________________________

A classic post office joke. Really funny.

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her
regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as
follows:

GOD
c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little
old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was
desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send
her the money.

Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection
from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to
the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the
young lady opened it and it read

"Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only
received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post
Office."

A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms
from a new box of twelve.

The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only
six condoms remaining in the box.

"What happened to the other four condoms?" she asked.

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the
story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she
asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my
girlfriend."

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that read:

"Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
at the front desk that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I never fluently speaking English although as Malaysian we study that language from day one of our school day.

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door
to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would
look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for
breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door
when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I
kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back
up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for
me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his
heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,
then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in
the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts
howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my
turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed
when the following conversation takes place...

She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"

He: "That's a morbid question!"

She: "No, I really want to know."

He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of
time I might remarry."

She: "Would she live in our house?"

He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really
expect me to move?"

She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"

He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want
me to sell it for a loss?"

She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"

He: "No. Absolutely not. She have no driving license."

There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went
home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb
Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to
know that this blonde went home last night and did something
probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state
capitals."

One of the guys said "I don't believe you."

She said, "It's true. Just test me!"

"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?

"A" she answered.

A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for
oral sex.

"No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me."

So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a
few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral
sex. Again she replies,

"No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride

"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and
respect you. Can I please have oral sex?".

"No", she says "I just know that if I do that, you won't respect
me."

So the man waits. And waits... And waits.... After 20 years of
marriage the man says,

"Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised
three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you
completely. How about oral sex, just once???? Please??????"

So the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and performs
oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing
and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says,

"Answer that you cocksucker...!"

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a
stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the
mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily
dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the
carburetor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for
just such an occasion

"Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."

"Can't," replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally
hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank you note
from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young
daughter had received from the RCMP.

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their
separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. He
called over to his wife,

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The
husband with a concerned look on his face says,

"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?
Come here and let me kiss it better"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have
passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is
returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the
carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor
and says, "Clumsy bitch."

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
standing there holding a long list.

"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging
hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if
I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me,
saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway," she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

... So I told her to fuck off and hung up.

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves
up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Nigel

"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!"

So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went,
faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him
hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed
into a brick wall.

Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and
cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"

A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say
I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to
watch."

"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
$200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after
the police smell your fingers."

One day the teacher asked her students to use the word
"contagious" in a phrase.

Sarah lifts up her hand and says, "Teacher, teacher I got one!! A
cold is contagious!"

The teacher is very happy. Tom lifts up his hand and says, "
Teacher... yawning is contagious"...pretty good Tom!!

Finally, little Johnny lifts up his hand and says,

" Oh...Oh...I got one...The other day, as my mother was mowing
the lawn, my father looked out the window and said it will take
that contagious to finish!!"

The cowboy got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and
proceeded to get thoroughly shit-faced.

A couple of his pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck
out, turned his horse around, then went back in to join the
hapless cowboy for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water
in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowboy's
wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming,

"Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to
do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my
head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this
hung over a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son
of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the
way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

A guy met a girl at the state fair, and she invited him back to
her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy noticed that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed
animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were
on the bookshelf and on the windowsill, and a lot of smaller
stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked
confidently,

"So... how was I?"

"Well," she said,

"You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket
crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant.
"Now, what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says,

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the
weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the
sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking
guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between
my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her.

He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

"Actually no,"

She replied,

"Just between my 2 big toes!"