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Video Sex Anwar Ibrahim

2011-03-21T00:47:00.001-07:00

Career ending incident or first bullet by Barisan Nasional towards Sarawak state election....?

PETALING JAYA: A video showing a man, resembling a top Opposition leader having sex with a woman, believed to be a foreign prostitute, has emerged.

The 30-minute video, which showed the supposedly high profile Member of Parliament in various compromising positions, is set to rock the Malaysian political arena.

The video recorded on Feb 21 was found in a hotel room in Kuala Lumpur.

Press representatives were taken to a hotel room individually to view the video footage by a group of unknown people led by a person, who only wanted to be known as Datuk T.

Datuk T said he wanted the media to watch the footage showing the politician before sending the copy to him and his wife “to identify the person in the video” a week from now.

He said if the individual in the video was the politician he had identified to the media, "then he and his wife must step down from politics.”

Datuk T said he was not “the pious person with high moral values and integrity as portrayed, and therefore is not fit to be leader.”

Datuk T said if the two did not quit politics, “I will call on several NGOs (non-government organisations) to set up an independent panel to investigate and seek professional forensic services to study the authenticity of the recordings.”

Datuk T claimed he had stumbled upon the video after he was asked by the politician to search for his watch in the room where the sexual encounter had taken place.

“As I could not find the watch on the table, I searched for it behind the dresser. I was shocked to find many strands of wires behind the dresser.

“On close inspection, I found four well-hidden CCTV cameras, I tried to open the two dresser drawers and found one was locked.

“I prised open the locked drawer using a sharp object. I found an active CCTV recorder. I disconnected the wiring and took the recorder out of the hotel,’’ he said, adding that no one had the recording except him.

“I will not hand over copies to any quarters for fear of reproduction and distribution,’’ he said.

Members of the media including The Star viewed the video clip on a computer at the hotel room, where Datuk T was heavily guarded. The Star journalist was searched and had his mobile phone taken away before being allowed to view the video. The other members of the media included those from Bernama, New Straits Times, Utusan Malaysia, China Press, the Internet portals, foreign news agencies and at least one opposition organ.

The video clip had sharp images and the woman appeared to be a fair-skinned foreigner, possibly an East Asian.

Meanwhile, with talk of the video having surfaced, PKR communications director Nik Nazmi Nik Ahmad tweeted, saying the video was doctored.

Family Joke

2010-01-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him
and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

"What was that for?"

"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it"

"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around
the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading
and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

"What was that for this time?"

"Your horse phoned!"

...

Then the same husband telephoned his family doctor and said that he
was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.

"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to
be her."

"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh God," said the doc,

"That means we all have it."

Marriage Joke

2010-01-26T23:37:00.001-08:00

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a
vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his
face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and
her pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother,
your best friend and your father."

"I know darling," ....he replied.

"That's why I poisoned you."

Lost Wife Joke

2010-01-26T23:33:00.001-08:00

Dear Sir,

I am writing to ask your help in locating my missing wife. We were on a wonderful trip to Africa for our honeymoon several months ago. On our flight back, we had a connection in England and somehow became separated. I had her paged for several hours and then contacted local and international police to assist me in locating her.

To date, all of our attempts to find her have been unsuccessful. I am now desperate to find my lost love and am trying to use the Internet to locate her. Please forward this to everyone you know so I can spread the word on locating my missing wife.

Mr. Richard Small
Portland,
Oregon,
USA

After a few weeks search ....

Dear Mr. Small,

We have found your wife in Africa of all places. However, it is unknown how she got here, nor is she able to talk because of lockjaw, but we are under the impression that she does not want to leave. We have tried for several days to bring her back home, but she is insistent on staying here.

I have enclosed a picture for you to see that she is okay. Do not worry, because she is in good hands here in this village. Please contact us if there is anything else you might want to know.

Nairobi Police Department

Click here to see attached photo.

Cocksucker!

2010-01-26T23:28:00.000-08:00

A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for
oral sex.

"No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me."

So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a
few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral
sex. Again she replies,

"No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride

"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and
respect you. Can I please have oral sex?".

"No", she says "I just know that if I do that, you won't respect
me."

So the man waits. And waits... And waits.... After 20 years of
marriage the man says,

"Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised
three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you
completely. How about oral sex, just once???? Please??????"

So the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and performs
oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing
and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says,

"Answer that you cocksucker."

Blonde Joke: Capital of Sates

2010-01-26T23:22:00.000-08:00

There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went
home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb
Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to
know that this blonde went home last night and did something
probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state
capitals."

One of the guys said "I don't believe you."

She said, "It's true. Just test me!"

"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?

"A" she answered.

Dwarf Joke

2009-12-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of
an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs,

"I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at
any time?"

"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at
once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady
shows up at the doctor's office.

"Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!"

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the
table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical
kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The
doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.

"There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims,

"That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

To which the doctor replied,

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

Confession Joke

2009-12-03T22:40:00.002-08:00

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for
confession. He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.

"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was dark," replied the boy.

"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?"

The boy said he still didn't know.

"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the
priest.

"I don't know, it was too dark," insisted the boy.

"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the
priest.

The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity.

Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to
return when he could reveal the girl's name.

Outside his friend was waiting anxiously.

"Did you get absolution?" he asked.

"Naw," said his pal, "but I got four good leads for this
Saturday night!"

Language Joke

2009-12-03T22:40:00.001-08:00

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where
two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe
we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good."

WOU Postcard Contest

2009-04-14T03:56:00.000-07:00

Detail here: http://contest.wou.edu.my/

Last minutes submission....

Assign a Gender to Nouns Joke

2009-03-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the

wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Almost Married Joke

2009-03-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I was almost married."

The first guy says in amazement,

"Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Yes, I went to a doctor and he told me that if I speak slowly I will not stutter."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on her porch and the dog was scratching his back and I told her that when we are married, she can do that for me. And then she threw the ring in my face."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"Well, I speak so slowly, that by the time she looked at the dog, he was licking his balls!"

Smart Old Couple

2009-03-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked,

"What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said,

"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked,

"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Iraqi Journalist Throws Shoes at Bush

2008-12-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

In this image from APTN video, a man throws a shoe at President George W. Bush during a news conference with Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Sunday, Dec. 14, 2008, in Baghdad. The man threw two shoes at Bush, one after another. Bush ducked both throws, and neither man was hit. President George W. Bush on Sunday hailed progress in the war that defines his presidency and got a size-10 reminder of his unpopularity when a man hurled two shoes at him during a news conference.

"This is a farewell kiss, you dog!"

Shouted the protester in Arabic, later identified as Muntadar al-Zeidi, a correspondent for Al-Baghdadia television, an Iraqi-owned station based in Cairo, Egypt.

Source: Yahoo News

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Iraqi-journalist-throws-shoes-Bush-image-APTN-video-man-throws-shoe-President-George-W-Bush/ss/events/wl/121508bushshoe/im:/081214/481/b95e057088ec40f292d9fce0cb6e5722/

Jom Vote for Nicol Ann David Now!

2008-12-09T03:29:00.000-08:00

Lets vote for Nicol now!

http://www.espnstar.com/games/champions-2008/vote/?username=

Link From NASA Website

2008-11-04T00:10:00.000-08:00

How to get link from NASA's website?

No joke, NASA as National Aeronautic And Space Administration, not any other funny acronym like Not Another Silly Acronym (NASA).

See...

Seriously, link from NASA. No kidding...

SEO expert will tell you how juicy link from any .gov website. Especially highly rated site as NASA. No way NASA create link to my blog.

So, let me tell you how to do it.

1. Copy this url

http://robotics.nasa.gov/rcc/redirect.php?url=%2F%2Fwww.kah-kah-kah.blogspot.com/

2. Replace those red colored address with your own url.

3. Paste at address bar at your browser.

4. You will see page like this:

Just click to continue.

Walllah....! You got yourself visitor directly from NASA page.

Click here to try: Link from NASA.

Promote that long address to your friends and impress them.

I pretty sure search engine will not appreciate 'cheat link' like this. But who cares, fact that we got linkback from NASA page will always make us smile, right?

Hope to make some friends in tonight Madagascar 2 premiere screening.

I Like To Move It, Move It with Madagascar 2!

2008-10-21T03:25:00.000-07:00

No doubt one of the funniest cartoon movie ever made. I personally rate it on par with Shrek sequel.

Which one of Madagascar character is your favorite?

Alex

Gloria

Julian

Marty

Melman

Go and explore their website a lot of stuff you can watch, play and download. And for blogger, they even prepare all kind of widget for us to make play around.

Check this out:
http://www.dreamworksanimation.com/adserve/mad2/widget/index.html

Cool, right?

Madagascar 2 movie trailer....

Angry Mummy Bear

2008-09-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't
made the !@#$% porridge yet!!"

Alternative Meaning

2008-09-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries.

· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

· Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

· Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

· Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

Do Not Put Woman Behind Stearing Wheel

2008-09-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Shrink in Cold Water

2008-09-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size
of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply.

"This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?

2008-04-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

Consider Michael Jordan, having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 very second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $10,500 at 845am on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all
of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Cruel Golf Joke

2008-04-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.

Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her stone dead.

Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Sample or References?

2008-04-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.

"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants... a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. What kind of a woman does he think I am?"

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... just a sample."

She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."

When I.T Guy Try to be Funny

2008-03-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's
art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Gay Firefighter

2008-03-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

Gold Earrings

2008-03-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

A woman goes to the doctors, and says,

"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks,

"Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."

"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold."

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

2008-03-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

for obvious reason of cause...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Games When We Are Older

2008-03-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners

Generic Name for Viagra

2008-03-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

As everyone know, in pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen;

Advil is Ibuprofen;

Rogaine is Monoxidil; and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on:

Mycoxafloppin

Naughty Doctor

2008-03-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive "Yes, uh huh, Yes" type noises, the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

International List

2008-03-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Thais men and 1 Thai woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Welsh men and 1 Welsh woman
2 Singaporean men and 1 Singaporean woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together as a threesome and having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule when they alternate with the German woman who has twisted some palm fronds into strands for making ropes and whips.

The two Thais men do nothing since they have nothing to pay to the Thai woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning, cooking and ironing for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless shark infested ocean and then a look at the Polish woman...and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and have each set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is an alternative because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey.

The two Australian men got drunk and beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who in turn, is checking out all the other men, sure that she can do better than 'Bloody Australian Wankers!'

Both Welsh men have disregarded the Welsh woman and are searching the island for sheep.

Both Singaporean men waiting for their government instruction and auguring should they screw the Singaporean woman without a condom.

How to Screw Someone Wife

2008-03-17T20:13:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating
around, is very glad to see the second man there.

"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and
wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their
brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

I Hate Celine Dion

2008-03-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked,

"Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied,

"Yes sir, I do. I love Celine Dion. Could you please play her latest CD for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He then turned to the other man and asked,

"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Toiletless Bar

2008-03-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless man, "you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner, no men's room in this bar... sorry"

Blonde Joke: Car Sex

2008-03-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to quite romantic mountain, parked the car and started to kiss her.

As things progressed they started fondling each other. Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

She said, "no."

He unbuttoned her blouse and began fondling her breasts and once again he asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.

Again she said, "no".

As more and more of her clothing came off he became really hot and excited. Once again he asked her "Would you like to get in the back seat?"

And again she said, "no".

Frustrated he asked "Why not?"

To which she replied "I want to stay in the front seat with you."

Sex Joke

2008-03-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about him," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of
the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they
have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. The husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,

"Listen, I don't care if you screw my wife, but could you please quit using my ass for a scoreboard?"

Skiing...!

2008-03-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says,

"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,

"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Men are like...

2008-02-20T01:05:00.000-08:00

Men are like..... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like..... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like..... Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like..... Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like..... High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like..... Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Guys.... is it true?

Court Joke

2008-02-20T00:59:00.000-08:00

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Billy Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Brown, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Tommy Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll
be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Birdie Joke

2008-02-20T00:57:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked,

"What do you have under the newspaper?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied:

"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to the man who was sunbathing here?" After a pause, the girl replied,

"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Stupid Blonde

2008-02-20T00:52:00.000-08:00

There was a competition to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Three women entered the race, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 6 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she
replied,

"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms...I dont think their big enough for the swim..."

Lawyer Joke

2008-02-20T00:45:00.000-08:00

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

Clever Smuggler

2008-02-11T04:21:00.000-08:00

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The border guard asks,

"What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand into the
bags, places them on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated....

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine it."

Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for a year the inspections continue.

Eventually, the border guard retires and one day he happens to see the guy downtown. He says to the fellow,

"Buddy, you drove me crazy. I know you were smuggling something. For 30 years I was a border guard and I thought I'd seen everything, but I was never been able to figure out what you were up to. I won't say anything, but what were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, ----> "Bicycles."

Hahahahaha....

Funny Sports Commentator's Quotes

2008-02-11T04:20:00.000-08:00

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

Clever Businessman

2008-02-11T03:48:00.000-08:00

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in
the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield
enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to
Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward
type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I
explained to him that I was conducting some very important
business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a
quick "Hello, Dean" at me while I was with my client.

He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a
tap on my shoulder.

It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

He said "Hi Dean, what's happening?"

To which I replied "Piss off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Proctologist Joke

2008-02-11T03:43:00.000-08:00

A proctologist walked into a bank and prepared to endorse a
check. He pulled a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tried
to "write" with it.

Realizing his mistake he looked at the thermometer with annoyance
and exclaimed

"How do you like that? Some asshole's got my pen!"

Ouch...! Hahahahhahhaa......

Dentist Joke

2008-02-11T03:41:00.000-08:00

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket
and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal
and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank
the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my
aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

Not Another Blonde Joke

2008-02-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• she thought a quarterback was a refund.
• she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
• she thought General Motors was in the army.
• she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she tripped over a cordless phone.
• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate."
• she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."
• at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
• she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• she studied for a blood test.
• she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
• she sold the car for gas money!
• when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
• when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
• she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the
evening.
• she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought
stood for "Tits Go In Front."
• she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease

Hahahhaa... I never bored by blonde jokes...

Drunken & A Priest Story

2008-02-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoondown by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to thePreacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says,

"Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls himright back up.

"Have you found Jesus?", The preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, bringshim up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in aharsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Another Fire Fighter Joke

2008-02-07T22:29:00.000-08:00

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitementof a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have beenexciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire atthe university several years back. There were flames, fire trucksfrom several area fire departments, but the most exciting partwere the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into hisarms.The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started,

"One night I got acall to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there wasno way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found anold broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could tomake it go down."

He paused. The retired fireman asked,

"So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered,

"Well, you see, I was in the wrongroom."

Language Joke

2008-02-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

Language always become funny humor tools.... enjoy.

An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yenand walked out with $72.

The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but onlyreceived $66.

He asked the teller why he received less money thanthe previous week.

The teller said,

"Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,turned around and said,

"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

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2008-01-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

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Oh, yeah. An order form.

There isn't one. But if you got a kick out of this, take a sec to sign up for one of the affiliate offers in my tip jar. I get like $20 and you get free/cool stuff.

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Original website: http://buymystupidebook.com/

Letter from a computer Widow

2008-01-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

I received this email from my friend. Really funny. Maybe husband out there can answer this letter.

_______________________________________________________________

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications
thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on
at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were
good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be
very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like
you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on
her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that
it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made
sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.
I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are
away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and
the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while
your disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife
_______________________________________________________________

Post Office Joke

2008-01-24T20:14:00.001-08:00

A classic post office joke. Really funny.

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her
regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as
follows:

GOD
c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little
old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was
desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send
her the money.

Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection
from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to
the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the
young lady opened it and it read

"Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only
received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post
Office."

Stupid Girl

2008-01-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms
from a new box of twelve.

The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only
six condoms remaining in the box.

"What happened to the other four condoms?" she asked.

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the
story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she
asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my
girlfriend."

18 and 54....

2008-01-24T20:07:00.000-08:00

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that read:

"Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
at the front desk that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Really Funny Jokes: English Language Lesson

2008-01-24T19:59:00.000-08:00

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I never fluently speaking English although as Malaysian we study that language from day one of our school day.

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

Really Funny Jokes: Stupid Man

2008-01-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door
to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would
look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for
breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door
when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I
kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back
up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for
me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his
heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,
then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in
the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts
howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my
turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

Really Funny Jokes: Busted

2008-01-24T19:52:00.000-08:00

A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed
when the following conversation takes place...

She: "Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?"

He: "That's a morbid question!"

She: "No, I really want to know."

He (pauses to think): "Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of
time I might remarry."

She: "Would she live in our house?"

He: "Well, the mortgage is almost paid off - would you really
expect me to move?"

She: "Would she wear my mink coat?"

He: "You know I paid $3,500 for that coat - would you really want
me to sell it for a loss?"

She: "Well, would she drive my BMW?"

He: "No. Absolutely not. She have no driving license."

We Never Out of Blonde Joke

2008-01-21T05:57:00.000-08:00

Cruel Wife-Husband Joke II

2008-01-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

Unexpected Treat Joke

2008-01-20T06:04:00.000-08:00

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a
stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the
mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily
dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the
carburetor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for
just such an occasion

"Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."

"Can't," replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally
hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank you note
from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young
daughter had received from the RCMP.

Cruel Wife-Husband Joke

2008-01-20T06:03:00.000-08:00

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their
separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. He
called over to his wife,

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The
husband with a concerned look on his face says,

"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?
Come here and let me kiss it better"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have
passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is
returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the
carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor
and says, "Clumsy bitch."

Mind Your Own Business Joke

2008-01-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Is this a Joke?

2008-01-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
standing there holding a long list.

"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging
hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Man...

2008-01-20T05:53:00.001-08:00

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if
I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me,
saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway," she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

... So I told her to fuck off and hung up.

Joke: Yes... He Hurt

2008-01-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves
up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Nigel

"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!"

So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went,
faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him
hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed
into a brick wall.

Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and
cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"

A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say
I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"

Woman... Tricky as Ever

2008-01-20T05:48:00.000-08:00

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to
watch."

"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally
he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you
stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
$200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after
the police smell your fingers."

Contagious Joke

2008-01-20T05:46:00.000-08:00

One day the teacher asked her students to use the word
"contagious" in a phrase.

Sarah lifts up her hand and says, "Teacher, teacher I got one!! A
cold is contagious!"

The teacher is very happy. Tom lifts up his hand and says, "
Teacher... yawning is contagious"...pretty good Tom!!

Finally, little Johnny lifts up his hand and says,

" Oh...Oh...I got one...The other day, as my mother was mowing
the lawn, my father looked out the window and said it will take
that contagious to finish!!"

Cowboy Joke

2008-01-20T05:44:00.000-08:00

The cowboy got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and
proceeded to get thoroughly shit-faced.

A couple of his pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck
out, turned his horse around, then went back in to join the
hapless cowboy for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water
in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowboy's
wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming,

"Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to
do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my
head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this
hung over a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son
of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the
way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

Joke: Sex Joke

2008-01-20T05:42:00.000-08:00

A guy met a girl at the state fair, and she invited him back to
her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy noticed that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed
animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were
on the bookshelf and on the windowsill, and a lot of smaller
stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked
confidently,

"So... how was I?"

"Well," she said,

"You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

Joke: What Mummy Like?

2008-01-20T05:41:00.000-08:00

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket
crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant.
"Now, what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

Joke: Confusing Doctor

2008-01-20T05:34:00.000-08:00

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says,

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the
weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the
sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking
guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between
my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her.

He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

"Actually no,"

She replied,

"Just between my 2 big toes!"

Cruel Joke

2007-12-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With
all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head
in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Let Have Some Sex

2007-12-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA!"

Think Positive

2007-12-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball
and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he
tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and
said again,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into
the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed.

"Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine
his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them
together. He straightened his cap and said once more,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball
up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in
the world!"

Virginity Joke

2007-12-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor
and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée
thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can
try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your
husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and
tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall
for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic
band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her
man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the
elastic band, and the hubby screams...

"What the heck was that!!?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

Washcloth Joke

2007-12-28T18:30:00.000-08:00

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One
day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:

"What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,

"I found your washcloth!"

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,

"Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face
with it."

Funny Woman

2007-12-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she
found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy
her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all
these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from
the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled
the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,
until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment
line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took
him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone
but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair
of shoes that fit you."

Doctor Joke

2007-12-28T18:28:00.000-08:00

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to
reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be
the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian."

Survivor Joke

2007-12-28T18:26:00.000-08:00

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Mark
Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will
be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each
of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or
dance class), and no access to fast food.

They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving
at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project,
cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, etc. Oh, and
they also have access to television only when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remotes. Plus
they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must
apply themselves either while driving or while making six
lunches.

The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA
meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a
sick child at 3:00 a.m; making an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4 year old
to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off. The winner gets to go back to his job.

I love to Fish

2007-12-13T02:08:00.001-08:00

About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.

The desk clerk waves him over. "Hey buddy" he says, "shouldn't you be upstairs making love to your new bride?"

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got gonorrhea the doc says no sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and says. "Since you can't have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal sex."

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got diarrhea the doc says no anal sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the clerk waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. "Since you can't have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into performing oral sex for you" he says.

To which the Okie says, "Can't, she's got pyorrhea her dentist says no oral sex for another month. But it's OK because I love to fish"

The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, "Let me get this straight, your new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell would you marry a girl like that?""

"Well" says the Okie, "she's got worms too, and I love to fish!"

I love to Fish

2007-12-13T02:08:00.000-08:00

2nd Pope Joke

2007-12-13T02:06:00.000-08:00

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says

"I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

Lab Rabbit Joke

2007-12-13T02:02:00.000-08:00

One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Joke: Get it?

2007-12-13T01:59:00.002-08:00

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty
bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

2007-12-13T01:59:00.001-08:00

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Pope and Queen Joke

2007-12-13T01:57:00.000-08:00

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at the thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

The Pope thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "That's pretty impressive, but I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, you can't do that."

So the Pope headbutts her.

English Joke

2007-12-13T01:55:00.000-08:00

A man who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.

"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over".

The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.

So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"

The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"

So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."

With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

Magic Joke

2007-12-07T00:45:00.000-08:00

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him.

Ten years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes...

"Taa-Daa!"

Joke: Canadian Winter

2007-12-07T00:44:00.000-08:00

An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his blonde mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

Old Sex Joke

2007-12-07T00:43:00.000-08:00

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

Joke: Black Widow

2007-12-07T00:41:00.000-08:00

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Army Joke

2007-12-07T00:40:00.000-08:00

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted:

Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room

"Good Night, Sergeant"

Priest Joke

2007-12-07T00:38:00.000-08:00

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, tells them to undress, and ties a small bell to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance
sensually around the first candidate.

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness". The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. . . Nothing.

She writhes up and down against his body. . . No response.

Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

Joke: Best Body Part

2007-12-06T02:48:00.000-08:00

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!"

Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers,

"Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was litte me made a sound under my pants"

2nd 100 Bucks Joke

2007-12-06T02:45:00.000-08:00

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterward cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said:

-
-
-
-
-
-
-

"Clean my house"

Joke: Bad Conductor

2007-12-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According
to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser,
breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes
him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution.

At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret --

"What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend.

"I'm just a bad conductor."

Get it?

Penis Joke

2007-12-06T02:38:00.000-08:00

A man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks,

"Sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he informs her.

The receptionist indignantly responds, "Sir, You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says.

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and reenters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,

"Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly.

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"It burns when I piss out of it" the man replied.